Joy

It's become incredibly important in my walk lately not to rely on my emotions. C.S. Lewis made a great point when he said that our feelings are affected by what we've eaten, how much we've slept, and what has gone on that day. He pointed out that how we feel cannot be considered an accurate judge, and I need to hear that more and more now.
I think like God is allowing me to enter into a time where He is teaching me to rely on him regardless of everything else, including myself. Like everyone, and more than some, I want to be in control, I want to know what is going on at all times, and I always want to have a good, defend-able reason for everything I do. In short, I want to feel good about all the decisions that I make. And that makes sense, right?
What about when you have to decide between doing good for someone else, and keeping yourself safe? Which decision are you going to feel good about then? What if there is someone depending on you not getting yourself into an unsafe situation? How do you decide? God is teaching me that emotions are a bad thing to base decisions on.
The fact is that, whether it be sleep-deprivation, or simply my own susceptibility to the troubles of this world, happiness is harder and harder to find these days in my life. There are excellent and wonderful things going on, and as they go on around me, I'm not really okay with the change they're bringing, let alone the responsibility. And for some reason, all this is leading to a lack of that wonderful feeling of safety and worship that I attribute to God. It has become very easy to question God's presence.
And it's these times when I lean on the bible, and pray, and ask Him to keep me from hurting anyone when I feel so out of touch with who "me" is, let alone the rest of the world. It's these times that make me feel like I'm not cut out for God's world, that I might be better off trying to run away from it. And it's these times when I do my best to absolutely ignore my emotions. I acknowledge what I am feeling the best that I can, and then I ask Him to take it, and I try to just put it away.
Because when the bible describes love, it never says that to have love, we have to feel a certain way towards someone. Love start out inside, but everything we know about love is based on actions. It may start with a feeling, but it grows when you commit to someone else's well-being and follow through, no matter what you are feeling.
There's something else missing from the bible: happiness. More specifically when the fruit of the spirit are listed, no one mentions happiness. Instead, they cite joy, which I have recently heard defined as being able to be happy even when things are not going well. God doesn't want us to rely on anything outside Him. He wants us to face down monsters and lions and debt and depression and still be able to find joy. He is putting us through our paces so that we know where that joy is inside us when nothing else will do. He is preparing us for the hurt we will have here, and that place far beyond our perception where happiness simply isn't good enough.