A Note to Wormwood from the desk of Screwtape

Note: This entry is written using the characters and settings described in C.S. Lewis' book, The Screwtape Letters. If you are not familiar with this book, Screwtape is a devil, advising his nephew (Wormwood) on how best to secure the souls of humans to Hell. None of the characters described here are mine, nor do I own any rights to them.

Wormwood-

            Never let the humans realize that they mean two things when they talk of “deserving” something. A man prone to pride can be made to think that he deserves something he ought not to have. By this he means that he has some claim or has paid some due which warrants him taking a portion of the forbidden thing. This is all well and good, but our discussion is on a second kind of man. A man prone to despair can see the pride of our previous man and, with some direction towards the right scriptures, decide that he must not deserve anything. By this, he means that he should do his best to use nothing, enjoy nothing, and make claims on nothing. This, of course, is impossible, and the more the man tries to follow this, the more he will fail, and the more undeserving he will feel.

We, of course, see the fallacy in the idea of the Enemy’s creating everything for man only to deny it to Him. But if you do your job well, your man may be more convinced day by day that to feel deserving is the same as to make any kind of claim on any thing, affection, or person here on Earth. From this, it is a very small nudge to the belief that the Enemy wants your man to make no claim on Himself either, and once a human tries to follow Him without His help, the soul is ours.

            What he must never realize is that the Enemy entices him to enjoy all without coveting any. He wants the loathsome creatures to be so enamored by creation that they can take of it, and find true joy in the taking, without ever becoming dependent on anything on Earth, whether it be drink, food, affection, praise, or approval. When they can do that, and even when they learn to desire it, the Enemy is well-pleased, and it is a hard struggle to win such a soul back to Our Father Below. 

Acts 15:7-9

Acts 15:7-9

"After there had been much debate, Peter stood up and said to them, 'My brothers, you know that in the early days, God made a choice among you, that I should be the one through whom the gentiles would hear the  message of the good news and become believers. And God, who knows the human heart, testified to them by giving them the holy spirit, just as he did to us: and in cleansing their hearts by faith he has made no distinction between them and us.'"

       Lord, you made no distinction between those who had known you for centuries and those who were babies, simply children. I know that some of your chosen people must have been children, too, but I know there were those prepared to hear the good news, backed by the philosophies they had been hearing non-stop for their entire lives. And yet, you made no distinction. 

       You made no distinction between them. Is it possible that this is the same principle that allows you to make no distinction between those that have been following you almost perfectly their whole lives, and those that have just repented murder? You say that you are making all things new, and some days, there is so much going on in my life that I’m not sure I can believe it of you. Truly all things, Lord? Are you sure that isn’t just most things, or just the things that need it? But you don’t say that. You make no distinction between those that are pure and exactly as you designed them and those things that have been twisted by the enemy.       And I suppose that, in the end, there is no distinction.

       After all, the whole earth is supported by your will. You have willed everything into creation, and it is only the fact that we are part of your will that allow us to keep on living. However twisted a thing is, the fact that it exists means that you have crafted a place for it in your will. No matter how the enemy tries to corrupt things, he doesn’t realize this simple truth: your will is the only thing that allows anything to be. 

Lord, thank you that I am so crazy. Sometimes, in the middle of criticizing myself for all the ways I'm different, I forget to be thankful for the amazing ways it's allowed me to connect with the people I know and the world around me.

For instance, I was talking with a friend the other day, and she said something (I don't remember what now), but it made me think that she thought I was better than her, specifically better morally or emotionally. She seemed to think that I was nicer, smarter, more in-control, and generally more put together than she was. And I praise God because of the crazy way He's made me.

The fact is, I come from a weird home. Not the good weird, either. My mother and father split when I was about nine. I'm blessed that I've never grieved their splitting, but I still remember telling my mom, "I'm just glad you're not fighting any more." My dad has always yelled, and my mother has always cried. She has clinical depression with a side helping of anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, and as a kid, I felt a responsibility towards her. (I still do, but that's another story.) Long story short, I had an interesting upbringing, including a few nights of homelessness, a few months of boarding at someone's house, and a year and a half where I was raised by my twenty-one-year-old sister.

Our family is the definition of work-in-progress. But I don't share this with everyone I know, and sometimes people don't realize that I've had as many bumps in the road as I have. Sometimes I look around and realize that people think of me as that girl, the one who's got everything under control and figured out. When my friend (back to the original story now) expressed her beliefs about me, I detailed for her a few of the ways I am still an emotional wreck on a daily basis. And I praise god that he's allowed me to do this.

Because when I was little, I wanted to stand out, always, in every way. As I got older, I wanted to stand out less and I wanted normality more. I didn't even realize how desperately until I came to college. I am now in the process of accepting that I am not normal. Even more, I am in the process of accepting that no one is normal. Everyone has an idealized version of normal, but if I ever meet someone who truly is normal, with no hang-ups, insecurities, or fears, you can just put me in a diaper and have the twos start teaching me. Long story short, God has given me the experience to know insecurity when I see it, and the courage to speak out against it. And for that, I praise Him. God's given me a lot, but I am constantly learning just how much.