God

The lost are found
the blind will see
The lame will walk
the dead will Live
and You our God, forever You will reign.

I have recently begun to use the phrase "more than my heart can hold," and it is reserved for those moments when I don't believe I can put into words what I think, feel, and believe at that moment. What this song makes me think of is more than my heart can hold.
Because I start with, "well, wouldn't that be nice?!" These things, sight being restored, life being renewed, we cry out for these things constantly, and it feels so much of the time to me that God only hesitantly fulfills them. It seems too often that our prayers for just these things go answered. And about when I'm thinking that, the guilt starts coming on thick, because God is perfect, so isn't it our job and our problem that things aren't this way? Isn't the only possible restoration for these things when we fix ourselves? Why would God ever choose to fix us before then?
And it seems like too much. Most days, I can't find my glasses, let alone a lost person. How can I lead them out of despair, when I only half-know the way myself?
But I know (in a way that is also more than my heart can hold, It is a knowing that begins based on belief, grows in experience, and is bound together by sheer faith) I know that is not God's intent, his plan for us, or this world. He knows and loves his people far better than that. I know that he wants only for us to allow him to fix it, and even that will he help us do, without ever compromising on his perfection. I know he holds our tears in his hand, and that our pain is His. I know that, when the song says "and you our god, forever, you will reign," the phrase is not connected to the previous one by accident. God's sovereignty is the root of our hope; his majesty is the source of our joy. He has power, honor, glory, and praise enough to accomplish all this, even with us working against him most of the time. And like the lyrics to this song, He is more than my heart can hold.

Waiting II

I sit here staring at a computer waiting for words to come like they did last time. Why won’t they come? I am less in need now than then but if anything my lack of pain, the fact that there is not a knot in me, should not keep me from you and from expressing what I am feeling. Since when does being lukewarm get you nowhere? Oh. I guess you weren’t messing around when you told us the kingdom of heaven isn’t like earth. We see it through brown-colored glasses; the color of earth, because we know no other way to see. These glasses, they were attached at birth and we have yet to realize they are there. You have majesty in your hands for us and all we see is Earth. You show us yourself and we turn away. When did the creation become more interesting than the creator? When did Earth become the destination instead of the journey? Why am I sitting here, staring at a computer? It is not worthy of God, but even though I know that, I am no closer to figuring out why. I am no closer to you, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Because to be perfectly honest, whipping up some feelings, either end of passionate- it’s getting pretty old and I don’t know what I’ll do when it starts to get holes in it.

Waiting

If I look outside my window tonight, and you are there, would I come? If I found a note you had left, hidden in a pile of books so long disregarded that people now tend to avoid them, would I rush to that secret meeting place? You are never far away, you promise, and I know that I believe you, but then, I’m not quite so sure I believe myself. And when you ask me these questions, I’m inclined to avoid your gaze because you’re a little too on the ball tonight, and I had hoped not to answer for another decade or so. I love you, I promise, but there are things I’ve promised here, too, and obligations back inside my room. I know you’ve risked it all to come here for me. I know I owe you no less than my life, and you can have it, but not yet. Just give me a day, a year, two, to figure these things out. When I am no longer needed here, when I no longer need this place, I’ll come and follow your lead always. You can wait that long, right?

Joy

It's become incredibly important in my walk lately not to rely on my emotions. C.S. Lewis made a great point when he said that our feelings are affected by what we've eaten, how much we've slept, and what has gone on that day. He pointed out that how we feel cannot be considered an accurate judge, and I need to hear that more and more now.
I think like God is allowing me to enter into a time where He is teaching me to rely on him regardless of everything else, including myself. Like everyone, and more than some, I want to be in control, I want to know what is going on at all times, and I always want to have a good, defend-able reason for everything I do. In short, I want to feel good about all the decisions that I make. And that makes sense, right?
What about when you have to decide between doing good for someone else, and keeping yourself safe? Which decision are you going to feel good about then? What if there is someone depending on you not getting yourself into an unsafe situation? How do you decide? God is teaching me that emotions are a bad thing to base decisions on.
The fact is that, whether it be sleep-deprivation, or simply my own susceptibility to the troubles of this world, happiness is harder and harder to find these days in my life. There are excellent and wonderful things going on, and as they go on around me, I'm not really okay with the change they're bringing, let alone the responsibility. And for some reason, all this is leading to a lack of that wonderful feeling of safety and worship that I attribute to God. It has become very easy to question God's presence.
And it's these times when I lean on the bible, and pray, and ask Him to keep me from hurting anyone when I feel so out of touch with who "me" is, let alone the rest of the world. It's these times that make me feel like I'm not cut out for God's world, that I might be better off trying to run away from it. And it's these times when I do my best to absolutely ignore my emotions. I acknowledge what I am feeling the best that I can, and then I ask Him to take it, and I try to just put it away.
Because when the bible describes love, it never says that to have love, we have to feel a certain way towards someone. Love start out inside, but everything we know about love is based on actions. It may start with a feeling, but it grows when you commit to someone else's well-being and follow through, no matter what you are feeling.
There's something else missing from the bible: happiness. More specifically when the fruit of the spirit are listed, no one mentions happiness. Instead, they cite joy, which I have recently heard defined as being able to be happy even when things are not going well. God doesn't want us to rely on anything outside Him. He wants us to face down monsters and lions and debt and depression and still be able to find joy. He is putting us through our paces so that we know where that joy is inside us when nothing else will do. He is preparing us for the hurt we will have here, and that place far beyond our perception where happiness simply isn't good enough.

2nd Timothy 4:1-5

Vs. 1 In the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge:

We know that whatever is coming next is going to be pretty important, even if we do not know what these words are actually talking about, but what they seem to be talking about is pretty cool too. Here, I believe Paul is outlining how Timothy’s whole life relies on God. He first says “in the presence of God and Christ Jesus,” and then points out that Jesus will judge us. When I hear that, I hear Paul emphasizing that God is at the beginning of our lives and the end. He is saying that God created us and it is with that information in mind, as well as the concept that Jesus is the person who we will answer to at the ends of our lives. And then, Paul goes on to point out that Jesus has already affected our lives more than we could ever imagine! When I hear these words, it translates to something like this, for me: Because God is the beginning and the end of your life, and because of what he has already done in your life, here is what you should do next. That is the importance Paul is placing on what he says next.

Vs. 2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage- with great patience and careful instruction.

So this is what Paul was leading up to that whole time. And unfortunately, at first it is clear as mud, at least to me. I see this and I think “Oh, that’s nice,” and keep reading, never stopping to wonder what it means. But this phrase has power behind it. First of all, we are told to preach the word, which is pretty self-explanatory. Jesus came to this world to show himself to it, and as heirs to his legacy we have inherited that mission. Then we get to “be prepared in season and out of season,” which is confusing. What, I wonder, is out of season when applied to preaching the Word? Well, when I think of in season for preaching the word, I envision myself with a bible close at hand, all my sins and angers at God confessed and forgotten while I sit next to a person I know and feel affection for, who has just asked me about Jesus, able to answer their questions with biblical references. In a word, idyllic. So then, out of season is made of the times when we are angry or frustrated with the people around us, maybe the person we’re telling about Jesus, maybe even angry with Jesus himself. It is when we couldn’t repeat John 3:16 to save our lives. It is when we are not speaking with our peers but people who are smarter and older and more respected than us, or perhaps we don’t even know why they are. Out of season is when a question came up, and it isn’t supposed to be answered religiously, but it is the only true way we Christians can answer it. Out of season is sitting outside squinting into the sun so that the other person doesn’t have to, or having every eye within a 20 ft. square radius turning to stare at you because of what just came out of your mouth. And this is what Paul just told us to be prepared for. He then tells us to “correct, rebuke, and encourage- with great patience and careful instruction.” Clearly we’re still talking about how to interact with other people in light of Jesus, but now we’re getting into more detail. Yet something here seems off. I’ve often had to correct or rebuke with patience, making sure to say the correct thing, but how did “encourage” get on this list? Isn’t encouraging supposed to consist of calling “nice job” at a church colleague as we hurry past? It seems that Paul is talking about a different kind of encouragement.

In fact, it seems to me that he is talking about a task- a project, if you will. He is talking not about casual words, but encouragement that occurs when one of Christ’s followers decides to care on an ongoing basis for another child of God (and just so we’re clear, I’m not simply talking about Christians when I say “child of God”). It is in the moments when it would be easier to keep your head down, or give the generic “well, I’m sure God will work it out” answer, instead of taking the time to crack open your bible or ask the question that you know will elicit a half-hour response. It is in these moments that we must use the patience and careful instruction that we have received from Him first. It is when we are doing these things that we make earth look more like Heaven.

Vs. 3-4 “For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.”

Paul is not pulling the punches with this one. He packs a double whammy into this verse, starting by underlining how urgent is the need to tell the whole world about Jesus now. We may have millennia more, but we do not have forever, and we do not even have a guarantee on tomorrow. Cliché as it is, the time for action really is now. Why? Because sometime, maybe soon, it will be too late. Take this for example: when a child is reared they are taught to speak as young as possible because if they reach a certain age, they will no longer have the ability to learn it. They will be surrounded by speech for the rest of their lives, but still be isolated from it, and a time is coming where the same will be true for our culture. We will no longer have the opportunity to show people the love of Christ with any success because they will turn to what they want to hear. And while I’m not someone who believes the world will end in 2012, I have to admit that people listening only to what they want is already too common in our world for comfort.

Vs. 5 “But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.”

The “but” at the beginning shows us that this is in direct contrast to the last statement. So, other people will stop listening to God and his messengers and will believe in myth but you keep your head always. This is a wonderful example of hos God wants us to use the minds he gave us. He says here that we will need to guard our minds against what others are believing in and he’s telling us to do it using our minds! From focusing on the mind, he moves to the body, saying “endure hardship.” I know I am often guilty of forgetting that loving God always and doing his will includes doing it when I have a hurt arm of leg, when I am tired and hungry, and even (maybe especially) when I have just dealt with a serious trial and want nothing more than to go home and sleep. We hear echoes in this phrase of being prepared out of season from a few verses back. (Remember that?) Next, we are focusing outside the body: “Do the work of an evangelist.” I’d like to ask for your forgiveness here, because I don’t know if there is a deeper meaning to this phrase than what I see (but I do know that if I stop now to look it up, I’ll never post this). For me, we are coming back to telling people about what the world really is. Paul is reminding Timothy to tell people that there is a God loving them and waiting for them in Heaven as well as on Earth. And finally, Paul tells Timothy to discharge all the duties of his ministry. This is the final tie-up. Paul is simply saying do what needs to be done. Don’t forget anything, and don’t leave anything off because you want to. Discharge all of your duties. It is his suggestion to all of us who hope to follow God and his son.

Emotions- The All-Encompassing Excuse for our Actions

So, I've been thinking about Access218 (the college group at my church) recently. Mostly I'm wondering what it's going to be like come this Fall. the group has recently been through, and is going through a lot of change, with three of our main leaders becoming less active, ranging from starting new ministries to traveling to new continents! So, we're in the process of finding a new Student Minster for our group and seeing what it's going to look like. And, honestly, I'm needing a little bit of extra help right now (on top of the tons of grace He gives me every day).

Because, frankly, I don't want this group to change. I've met amazing people this year, and just knowing Access was there for me was an amazing safety net for me this year, beginning my college experience. I was looking forward to growing with the ministry in the next few years, and I'm nervous that it won't be what I hope for from it.

In fact, I'm so busy hoping that everything will work out for me that I'm not looking at the amazing opportunities being given to the people around me. I'm not thinking about the new and vital ways people around the world are going to be affected by the vision God has planted in Access. I'm not thinking about God's vision for my life and I'm definitely not looking at His plan for others.

And I think that this is a trap that we're in great trouble of falling into: the trap of emotions. Emotions are important, and a good indicator of how we are feeling, but I know that I at least am constantly in danger of trusting them too much. Expressing your emotions is so much a part of our culture. We are loud and blunt and sure that we are entitled to express our emotions in whatever way we feel. Actions that would never be acceptable normally are excused because of the way we are feeling. It is an unspoken right.

And I'm not saying that we need to ignore our emotions. On the contrary, we should be fully aware of them. But I know that I need to take a little time to come to terms with them and then take all the leftover time and put it towards praying and taking action if the situation needs to be changed and enjoying it if it doesn't need to be changed, and praising God either way for His plan in my life, and my community, and my country, and my world.

Because how can I praise god if I'm too busy being angry or fearful to speak to Him?

Stars

I've never actually thought about the nursery rhyme "twinkle, twinkle, little star" before, and it is only as I look into the magnificent skies above me tonight that I realize that only the little stars twinkle. The big ones shine obviously, but if you try to look at the little stars directly, they seem to disappear. You have to move your eyes around the sky near them, and as you do that you see small twinkles coming at you from all directions.

I'm sure there are some really neat implications in this. about how it is the small, persistent workers in any situation that define what that place is going to be like, or maybe that if you're too busy shining so that everyone sees all the new things you're doing you might not end up doing anything new or revolutionary at all. But I'm too tired for those implications. Right about now, all I can come up with is that I will never be able to be in as much awe of those stars and their creator as they deserve, but that it might be a worthwhile endeavor to spend my life trying.

Why I Love Peter

So, I was in a bit of a funk today, because God is confronting me about some stuff in my life, and I'm feeling very decisively that I don't want to do what's right (and incredibly scary for me). So this morning was spent avoiding doing anything of consequence, and generally sulking. It was only upon hearing an amazing song by Casting Crowns this afternoon that I started to realize what the issue was.

My relationship with my family is definitely strange, and sometimes even a little unhealthy, and God has been calling me on that lately, and it was upon hearing the song "Somewhere in the Middle" today that I realized how apt that is for me. Unfortunately for my state of mind, the first verse I always think of in conjunction with God and the middle is from Revelations where it says "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth" (Rev. 3:15-16 NIV).

It's not a pretty picture. One of my worst traits is not wanting to risk something by committing myself, and here is God, saying that it's better to be strongly opposed to him than to be lukewarm.

Thankfully for my mental state, this is where God entered in. I think that it was He who brought to mind the story of Jesus walking on water. this is the one where the disciples are on a boat, and Jesus walks across the water to them. While he is still coming towards them, they have a panic attack, mistaking him for a ghost, and when he identifies himself, Peter dares Jesus to call Peter himself out onto the water. And when Jesus does, Peter goes.

What amazing faith! When doubt comes about Jesus' identity, Peter's first thought is for the amazing things that Jesus can do. He knows that he can trust Jesus with his life in absolutely crazy circumstances, knows that only Jesus could do these things. And then when Jesus calls Peter steps out onto water with enough faith that it stays solid below him. This is definitely among the top demonstrations of faith in the bible.

Except that, then, Peter begins to sink. A few lines later, Jesus identifies the cause of the problem as doubt, and I can completely identify. i know in my head everything I've been taught about Jesus' perfect and good plan for me and the world and the Church, but sometimes, it feels like the rest of me is on rebellion. And Peter must have felt that way, too. But even in this time of stress, when Jesus has just invited him onto the apparently-precarious waves, Peter calls out for help from his Lord.

And Jesus saves him. Jesus pulls Peter out of the waves, scolds him for his doubt, and brings him back to the safety of the boat. And isn't that what he does with us? He didn't wait for Peter to have faith in him again before he saves him. "Immediately" after Peter called out, Jesus was there, explaining what went wrong and helping Peter fix it. And this is why I love Peter. Because God used him so that generation after generation of humans would know his compassion. God used Peter to show us His love.

Isaiah and Me

Miraculously, I'm back the next day, and I've got more I've been thinking about. It starts with a passage in Isaiah, which was brought to my attention recently (by an infomercial, of all things!). It's Isaiah 58:6-7, which is talking about fasting. (By the way, if you like this passage, please go look up more about it, because what I'm talking about isn't even the coolest part of the verse.) God says:

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

And I don't know what this meant specifically for the Israelites, but I read that, and the first thing I think of is what a fantastic vision that is for the world, and how much I want to live in that world. And the second thing I think of is that I'm supposed to be making that world a reality. And I've got some issues with that.

Because that sounds like a huge mission to a girl who can't manage to study for her only summer class on time. Loose the ties of injustice?!? Not happening this century. Except that I know that there are other people who are supposed to help me in all of this, that I haven't been left with the mission all by myself, that I'm only required to do a small piece. But even if I'm only supposed to deal with my small part, I'm still not sure I can handle it, because most days, I don't think I can handle being a part of my family, let alone loosing the ties of injustice in it. I love my family (and I try to mean that in the biblical sense as well as the mushy-feeling sense), but I don't feel anywhere near strong enough to make it a functioning, pleasing-to-God family. Thankfully, I'm not alone there, either. There are a people who are called to help empower me, and to help make my family less broken, and whom I am called to be a part of, and they're called the Church. As someone really smart recently said, "God loves the church," and trying to live up to Isaiah 58, trying to feed the hungry and break every yoke, trying to be like Jesus, starts with loving and becoming part of the church.

Of course, it's not as simple as all that, because the church is made up of people that we may or may not like, or agree with, or even think are sane. But God loves her anyways, and the only way to follow his plan for the world is to feed her and be nourished by her. And the most wonderful thing about the church being so diverse that it makes you want to scream is that there is always someone in it who can help you with your problem. Because God made us each unique and each for a purpose. And for me, that means that my biggest job is to love the church, and let God take care of the rest.

It's been a very long time since I've posted something to this blog, and an even longer time since I wrote something specifically for it, but it's a night of endings in my Christian walk, so maybe it can be one of new beginnings also. Yeah, not likely.

Either way, there are so many thoughts buzzing around my head that I would feel like I had wasted something if I went to sleep without writing about something. Like purity.

I'm pretty sure that purity of body begins with purity of mind (a concept which, for me, started with an amazing Passion talk by Beth Moore), but what I'm beginning to understand is how vital it is. To me, purity of any kind has been simply a word thrown around that was never defined, meant little, and honestly, didn't have a whole lot to do with my life. I tried to be good, and kind, and (usually) honest, and a whole host of other things, but I never particularly thought about purity, one way or the other.

Anyways, I still don't have a definition for purity, and I do not feel up to the task of making one. But I do have some idea of what it isn't and I know some of the ramifications it has on my life.

I know now that purity won't usually be found on television, because purity doesn't sell. In fact, I find it very hard to find any t.v. show that is pure because t.v. (excepting reality t.v. and soaps) usually portrays real life and...
Real life isn't pure. Our friends (Christian and not) say impure things all the time. It can be because we are human and make mistakes, because we care more about our image than about God, even because we don't care about God at all, and we certainly don't value purity. In fact, thinking about it, nothing is pure except God. So... where does that leave us?

I have no idea. Because I like my friends and my family (who are also impure) and my t.v. shows and I even like being the person who cracks the funny joke that is just a little too off-color. But when I'm thinking clearly, (which I admit I often am not) I know how much more important God is. And the worst thing about impurity is that it clouds our minds and keeps us from looking rightly at God. And God (you might have guessed) is the most important thing in the world. More important than everything else on the list, because family and friends and happiness turn to acid if they aren't backed by God.

So, I don't think I have it in me to denounce everything impure tomorrow. (Make that I know I don't have it.) But one of the great things about God is that if you knock, the door will be opened. So I will be knocking on the door of purity tonight and tomorrow and (hopefully) the day after. And maybe I'll even remember to write in this blog again this year. Who knows?

Faith in God and its Effects on My Hope

Oh, how my soul faints for God. I crave the majesty, the beauty, the perfection which He has so generously used in his creation of this world, and of us. And yet, the world has drifted so far that what I lack can no longer be found here on Earth; indeed it can only be found in God, and he is absent from our sight if not from our lives. As my friend once told me, the hole in our souls is a God-shaped hole, and it will be filled with nothing less, desperate though we may be to fill it. It comforts me to know that this longing is natural, that, in fact, a lack of longing would be unnatural for any creation of the Father’s, born into a world so divorced from Him. I mourn that divorce, and I pray for the day of reconciliation, almost as much as I long for a place filled with God, where everything that is not God is cast aside. And yet, what have I ever done to bring that hope to this world? When have I banished from my life something whose only offense is to be lacking God? I cannot honestly confess to a time I have done so. I see clearly that I am seeking to find God’s qualities in things that have no God in them; they are not inherently bad, but they have been separated from the light that might otherwise fill the desires of my heart. I yearn for something which I am not willing to lift a hand to bring about; I yearn for the work and the decisions to be taken from me, so that the weight I feel, whether in actuality it exists or not, would be lifted. And it is here that my thoughts turn from God to that which lacks God. For God is omnipresent, and omnipotent; with a God like that ruling my universe, using even murder and rape to further His kingdom, how can I fear? And yet, my hearts cries out that it fears that very same rape and murder which God can turn to His kingdom. It is clear to me that God can protect us from every terrible thing, and that he does not. I whole-heartedly believe that God does comfort those who seek comfort from Him, but for the sake of our willingly choosing to follow Him, and that He may be seen to overcome our failings, and be even more greatly glorified for it, He has chosen to allow evil into our world. And so, we may have a loving and just God whom we steadfastly follow, and we may still be tortured and molested and hurt. What turns my thoughts back to the God I still lovingly follow is that our God is one who knows the pains we suffer, and never leaves us alone with them. Manes, the founder of the Manichee religion in the Middle Ages, believed there could be no death on the cross or virgin birth for God, because “the flesh was tainted with evil and any association with it was unworthy of god.” I agree completely with his beliefs in the unworthiness of the flesh; if Christ had to come to our level to save his flesh-bound creations, then how could our flesh be worthy of holding even the slightest part of God in it? But it is the sacrifice of living a human life, as much as that of dying a human death, which makes our God so worthy to be praised, so beyond what we would ever hope for in a God, had he not already fulfilled our every need. Our God is a God who saves, and though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, which for me, today, is fear, I shall fear no evil, for my God is risen indeed, and death has lost its sting. Rejoice! Again, I say unto you, rejoice! For our Savior has come, and he has drawn back the veil from our eyes, and he has bought us freedom through his death, and inheritance through his life. It is around this fact, so simply explained, that my life revolves in its best moments. He is risen! And He loves me, and He has power and control over this world, even with its free will, and therefore, there is nothing to fear, or be uncertain about, for God reigns on high.